Title: Plaguing Guilt
Rating: PG
Characters: Matt Parkman, Sylar/Gabriel, Nathan, mentions of Angela
Warnings: Spoilers for season 3 finale
Summary: Erasing a life and replacing it with another isn’t as easy as it seems…

A/N: I just had to get this plot bunny written out, it’s been bugging me for a while :P It’s hugely inspired by mickey_dear ’s “Killing Birds” which is a beautiful piece of writing. I think I’m beginning to see the spark of my love for Sylar returning! and I’m so excited because I really miss season 1 Sylar…

The guilt is something he carries with him everyday....a burden unwanted on his shoulders, in the pit of his stomach nagging at his consciousness day and night like an annoying bug refusing to leave his side…

He keeps trying to convince himself that what he did was right; that there really was a need to take the measures he had taken. It was the only way to stop the madness that had ensued, to ensure the safety of his son, his family; of everyone with abilities…

Sylar had killed many in his lifetime, who was to say he wouldn’t have gone after his family? Ensuring that he had been stopped, that he wouldn’t be able to hurt anyone again had been the right thing to do, he decides.

But that still doesn’t stop Sylar’s memories from haunting him. They’re still there; in the back of his head… He’s heard many things he’s not supposed to in the past, things that people had never meant for him to hear... It’s not something he can control with his ability and it’s done both good and bad for him.

But somehow, this is different. Having Sylar’s whole life archived in his mind filled with every emotion and thought he’d ever had laid out in front of him to read like an open book, a movie never meant to be shown stolen unwillingly from the killers mind drives the guilt further and further into his system as he continues to realize how different Sylar had really been as a child; before the hunger and killer instincts had taken over him, tearing apart the man he had once been…

He begins to differentiate between Sylar and Gabriel, sees the desperation Gabriel had for being special, for making his mother proud…sees the most basic of desires he had wanted for himself, all the love he achieved and lost in his life, the pain he had endured as a result of the mistakes he’d made…

Each memory, each reminiscence of the life now lost comes accompanied by a burst of powerful emotion. It streaks through him, feeling uncomfortably foreign in his own body yet leaving him to feel the pain, the love, the hurt the situation had brought with it just as vividly and clearly as it had to Sylar…

He hears the sounds of a thousand uttered apologies nobody ever got the chance to hear, sees the mistakes that provoked in him a desire to end his life, sees how that too fails him, feels the regret as he watches the woman he called his mother sink to the floor, the bloodied sccisors imprinted with Sylar’s fingertips jabbed recklessly into her chest…

No…no…it’s a mistake…just a mistake…this isn’t supposed to happen…I didn’t mean for it to be like this…

The voice is a mere echo in his head but there’s an edge to it-desperation, fear, helplessness…qualities he never believed Sylar human enough to possess. But he realizes now that Sylar was never really Sylar after all... It was just a mask. Beneath the killer had been a man; a true human at heart; Gabriel Gray. The innocent child who wanted nothing more in life than to make his mother proud…

And then suddenly, all the things Sylar’s done seem more justified. It doesn’t make them any less worse, no… but Matt understands the purpose behind them…and for some reason, it makes him feel all the more guilty for destroying such a soul…

He hadn’t held the friendliest feelings towards Nathan; that was much had been true. He still blames the politician for Daphne’s death, even now... If they hadn’t been forced to go into hiding because of the operation he’d started in the first place, maybe she would still be alive; maybe a lot of people would still be alive… But her death was in the past and as much as thinking about her still hurt, he had to prepare for the future; his future with his son and Janice and for that, ensuring that Nathan was alive had been vital…

But Erasing a life and replacing it with another isn’t as easy as it seems. Filling Sylar’s mind with Nathan’s memories, recreating a whole other life in a different body, killing a soul in such a way had seemed impossible then. But now, not only does it seem impossible even though the deed has been done; but also unbelievably cruel. No matter what Sylar had done...nobody deserves what Matt has done to him…

But the agony on Angela’s face for her son’s loss, the haunting sound of her pained scream at the time had given Matt the strength he had needed, removing the momentary doubt he’d had in his mind. He was a father; he knew the lengths parents would go to for their children. It was only natural-inevitable that a parent should want to protect his child even if it meant taking extreme measures. Matt was crossing a line himself just for the safety of his son and Angela’s desire-as crazy and psychotic as it was-to keep her son in any way possible was understandable…

Things have gone back to somewhat normal now… He has a job, he has a family, he has a life… Knowing he was able to provide a mother with the solace of having her child by her side gives him the occasional much needed comfort as does the knowledge that they can now lead a normal life... But it’s closely followed by the shame at how a mother would feel towards him knowing he had not only killed her son, but destroyed him in a way that was far worse than death…

That’s why every time he looks at Sylar; now known to the world as Senator Nathan Petrelli; he can’t help mourn the life that’s been lost; Nathan’s…

And the life that could have been; Gabriel’s…